Journal Entry // March 3, 2021
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. SelahPsalm 62:8 ESV
This feels more difficult than it should feel. It seems so simple at times when I am reading God’s word. Trust him… Show your trust by being open and honest with him… He will care for you. It all makes sense, but it just feels more difficult in practice. Why do I not trust him? Why do I keep my heart shut to him at times? Why do I run away from him instead of towards? These are the nagging questions that accuse me at times. Questions that if I’m honest with myself, tend to drive me to despair or lethargy or disconnectedness. There comes this darkness that envelopes me at times and I feel an intense pressure to escape. To not run toward my Rock and my Refuge, but to a life apart. To disengage with the world and reality and give over to escapism.
But the Psalmist here tells me to trust the Lord. To trust him at all times in every square inch of my life. To know that my heavenly father loves me and cares for me. That he is the one directing and leading in my life. He is in control and I am not. I should find comfort in this, but I struggle. I struggle knowing that I am not in control. That when I am given any measure of control, I will let my pride and arrogance reign. My peace is found in the fact that I can trust the Lord. That means that my plan doesn’t always work and the path is seemingly meandering through the woods at times. I want to take comfort in this and know that the path is dark and challenging, but he is there with me.
There is comfort knowing I can pour out my heart to him. I don’t need to hide. I don’t need to lie. I don’t need to dismiss the darkness inside me out of shame or guilt. No, I can lay before the Lord all the truth there is about the ugliness of my heart. I can unburden my heart. I can lay it bare and exposed before the Lord of all. This is how I show my trust in him. I take all my wickedness and share it with him. I cast this burden onto Jesus. All my cares and worries and anxieties. They can all be laid before him. Giving me freedom and peace.
And then I take refuge in the Lord. In his forgiveness and salvation. I don’t have to worry about condemnation. I don’t need to fear judgement. For the blood of Jesus has set me free. He is my refuge. When I am tempted to check out and numb the pain through diversion or escapism, he offers me refuge with him. A safe place to find peace. To be still before the Lord and find comfort and love in his mercy and grace.
This is my loving Father. Trust him. Love him. Obey him.