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Search and Know

Journal Entry // May 2, 2021

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! [24] And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

Psalm 139:23-24 ESV

Is this passage what I truly want the Lord to do in my life? It sounds so amazing and wonderful to ask the Lord to lead me in the way everlasting, but the steps involved in this process seem overwhelmingly difficult. The Psalmist is asking the Lord to search him and to try/test him. All so the Lord can know his heart and thoughts. In order for sin to be removed and righteousness to be developed.

It’s an easy thing to say this in your head or even to state it out loud, but it is another thing all together to say this in your heart. To truly invite the Lord to know you and change you. This is obviously the attitude that we should all have as we seek to develop a relationship with our Father and Savior who dwell within us already.

Yet this is inviting pain and struggle and adversity into my life once again. I am afraid of what will be required of me if the Lord continues to search me. I am fearful of the guilt and shame that loom so large as I contemplate the depth of sin still present in my heart and mind. But I want to have this attitude. I want to have an intimate relationship with my Lord. This is what I truly desire. But there is a cost involved in this pursuit.

Cultivate Delight has been the picture of my relationship with Christ. It is something that I want but something that I know is going to be painful. The picture is that of cultivating a garden. It takes constant work and attention to properly cultivate a garden. Done rightly, the soil must be prepared and maintained to provide the proper nutrients. Water must be applied at proper times and levels. The plants must be pruned and cared for as each individual one requires. Weeds must be dealt with and removed with vigilance. And the sun must be allowed to bath the garden in its life giving light.

Just like this garden, my heart needs full attention in so many different areas. I can’t just focus on the soil or the weeds or the pruning. I have to give attention to all of it. But just like the end result of the garden is to be viewed and enjoyed, so to is cultivating my heart. The toil and struggle is deepening my relationship with Christ. This is what I am designed for. This is the will of the Lord fulfilling his purposes for me in this life. For the Lord to know my heart and mind allows me to know the heart of God. To delight in the presence of God at home within me

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