Condemning God

Journal Entry // January 13, 2021

Who has first given to me, that I should repay him? Whatever is under the whole heaven is mine.

Job 41:11 ESV

Why do I worry and fret with anxious thoughts over trivial things that are ultimately meaningless in the light of the glory and beauty of Christ? Why is it so easy for this world to influence my flesh and draw my heart away from delighting in Christ? Why do I seemingly always want what I don’t have, even if I don’t want what I don’t have?

My flesh is so easily swayed from the path of righteousness and wanders off the true and righteous path of God’s mercy and grace. When everything I need for this life is provided for me by my heavenly Father, my flesh continues to strive for what it cannot and should not have. God has given me everything I need to live a holy and righteous life before him. If anything is lacking, all I need to do is ask and he will lovingly provide for me. But I doubt. I doubt the goodness of God in my life. I doubt his love for me. I doubt his goodness and holiness. I call him a liar.

Job 40:8 ESV
Will you even put me in the wrong? Will you condemn me that you may be in the right?

This is what I do at all times. Instead of delighting in God and this personal relationship that he has initiated and sustains, I constantly push for “independence”. I strive to break free of God and loose his restraints. I call into question his goodness with every breath I take. I feel the darkness in my heart at times. It calls out to me and whispers into my ears the words that I long to hear. It tantalizers me with promises that have always captured me. Pride… Arrogance… Independence. These are the hallmarks of my sin. No matter how it is wrapped or presented to me, it always hooks me in these areas of self-centeredness. I want everything to be about me.

But it’s not about me at all. I am just dust without the empowering work of Christ in my heart. I can do nothing apart from him. I am nothing without him. This path… This journey that I’m on is momentous. Not because I will make an impact on this world and be remembered. No, this journey is momentous because the great Creator of the universe has made me and designed me for this purpose. To live a life that will show the world how great and wonderful Christ is. I may end my life in obscurity and without riches or honor. I may never do anything important in the eyes of this world, but I will love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

Colossians 3:2-3 ESV
Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

For I have died in Christ. I have given up my life to Christ. This world is just a distraction that wants to pull me away from Christ. Christ has me here for two reasons. To love him and to love people. That’s it. This is how I need to set my mind on things above. All of life is to be lived in Christ, for Christ, and through Christ. Not my name, but his. Not my will, but his. I want to give him everything. I truly do. I just fail most of the time. How can I give him more of myself every day? It’s less about a checklist and more about my attitude. Yet, I probably need that checklist to monitor my attitude and ensure its not slipping into the pattern of this world.

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