Journal Entry // March 7, 2021
May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face to shine upon us, SelahPsalm 67:1 ESV
God’s presence in my life truly does seem to feel like the phases of the moon in the sky. From the new moon where there is no moonlight, to the waxing and waning to the intense brightness of the full moon. It is this full moon presence of the Lord that the Psalmist is referring to in this verse. The presence of the Lord is the picture of his face shining upon us.
This shining of his face is none other than his glory coming to bear on my heart. It brings warmth and comfort to my heart as his good presence settles in upon me. Peace overwhelms me in his presence. Love and mercy burst forth. The fruit of the Spirit brings my heart to sing and rejoice. It’s like the comfort of a roaring fireplace on a cold winter day. His presence brings grace and blessing as the light of his glory rests upon me.
This is where I feel at the moment. I feel as though his presence is so close. His presence is here shining upon me. It is bringing me comfort and joy. But with this light comes the revealing of still indwelling sin within my heart. For the Lord cannot abide with sin and my heart is still laced throughout with hidden areas of darkness. The light of the Lord’s presence reveals these areas and gives me the strength to fight.
Where there was only darkness and guilt and shame, he has brought peace and understanding. He has brought me to a place of repentance that reveals my failings and leads me to own my sin and the consequences that necessarily come about. But it also lets me see and better understand that I cannot take all the blame and carry the burden of failure that is not mine to carry. That I bring it all to Jesus and cast it onto him alone. But in so doing, I repent properly. Meaning that I speak to him about specifics and understand that while I must wholeheartedly confess my failure before him, I must not take upon myself the burden of another’s failing. I pray for them and I repent for my part, but I should not take their burden upon me.
I feel as though this understanding has revived my heart. I feel like I have been carrying a burden that is not mine to carry for the past year. I have been caught up into this misled thought that it would be godly to take responsibility for everything that happened. To be sure, I do need to take responsibility for my actions and there is a lot of that too bring to the cross. But I feel that I took on the guilt of others because that’s how it was presented. It was presented as everything that happened started and stopped at my heart. It is only now that I am beginning to really see and understand my role and actions in all of this and the role and actions of others. I can better see the ugliness of my heart and I am allowing myself to see the ugliness of other people’s hearts as well.
This is the speaking truth to myself and to the Lord that has been at work the past couple weeks. This past week has been so hard at times. Hard on me mentally, physically, and spiritually. And it is exactly what i have been needing. It is the next step in the journey God has laid out for me. Having the light of God’s presence in my life is both a wonderful and difficult thing. Wonderful in the graciousness of my heavenly father. Difficult in the continual undertaking of fighting the darkness within. It is exhausting at times. It feels as though I am losing at times. But his presence is with me. His glorious wonderful loving beautiful presence. And with his presence in my life he brings grace and blessing. Christ in me…