Journal Entry // May 4, 2021
Do not let my heart incline to any evil, to busy myself with wicked deedsPsalm 141:4 ESV
I am struggling with feeling trapped in this current situation of life. I know that this is where God has placed me and I know that this is surely for my best in the pursuit of delighting in Christ the Lord. I completely and most assuredly understand that this path God has set before me is for my good and his glory. But I want to turn from it and set my feet upon a path of my own choosing.
I know that I should be happy and joyful in the presence of the Lord. I know that he dwells within me. But I am having trouble at times being content. I struggle at times to have a quiet and calm spirit about me. I am restless. And what scares me is that I know that the restlessness of my heart leads me astray as it seems to find fulfillment and control and comfort outside of Christ. It is this restlessness of my heart that brings a longing for temporary pleasures offered by this world.
I can feel my heart inclining toward evil. I can see my busyness with wicked deeds. The allure of the lies is strong as it knows exactly how to speak into my fears, guilt, and shame. It knows my weaknesses. It knows them better than I do. So I worry that I will always be stuck in this moment. Not just this moment of unhappiness with my physical situation but this moment of never being able to truly be obedient to Christ.
That is the overarching lie that causes me the deepest pain. The lie that my struggle with sin is somehow determinate of my relationship with Jesus. That my desire to be obedient is often met with disobedience proves that I’m not worthy. Or whispers that God’s love can never rest on a heart inclined toward evil.
I’m so tired. I’m so very tired. It is turning me toward an attitude of despondency and despair. It is calling me to leave this world and it’s struggle and focus on the inward world I can create and control. One where I can be God. But I know this is wrong. I know this is not the answer. I know Jesus have promised rest and peace and comfort. I only need to cast aside my worry and anxiety, then pick up his burden and yoke which is easy.
This is what I want. I want to be content and at ease with where God has placed me. I want to lay before Jesus all this striving and pain. I want to love Jesus with all my heart soul, mind and strength.