Journal Entry // January 24, 2021
But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.Psalm 13:5-6 ESV
Remember… Remember all that the Lord has done for me. Remember his steadfast love. Remember his salvation. Remember how bountiful his dealing with me has been. These are the keys to the sorrow in my heart and the grayness in my soul. These feelings tell me that God is far from me and has forgotten me and is hiding his face from me. But these feelings lie to me. My flesh tells me these lies to draw my heart away from Christ. To keep my sorrow and worry in the forefront of my eye’s perception and my heart’s understanding.
I must tell myself the truth. The truth of God’s love and mercy and kindness towards me. That he has dealt bountifully with me. Everything I have and everything I need is given to me in abundance. It’s my own eyes and flesh striving and grasping for things that it wants. Things that it wants more than Christ. Even good things that I could use for the glory of God, yes even those I turn into avenues of selfish pride and arrogance. I have turned God’s good gifts into objects of sin. I have taken the gifts and talents and treasures and time that the Lord gave me and I turned them against him. I used them for myself. For my selfish ambition and found my meaning in them. I found meaning in the gifts and not the Giver.
And now I stand in a place of humility. A place where God’s discipline has brought me to stand. I stand and face this discipline knowing that it is meant to draw me closer to Christ and restore the fellowship and communion of God within my soul. This place of humility. This place of solitude and loneliness. This place of reflection. It is a place of restoration and healing. A place where God is repairing the soil of my heart. He is cultivating a heart within me that will be soft. A heart that is not proud. A heart that is tender and kind. This cultivation takes time and energy. It takes pain and sorrow. It takes light revealing what is hidden in the darkness. It takes bringing low in order to lift up.
So I will sing and rejoice in the Lord. This momentary trial and adversity will reap a heart that is attuned to Christ. A heart that is humble. A heart that delights in the Lord. Delights in reading God’s word, meditating on it day and night, and living out the richness of grace in this life.