Journal Entry // February 11, 2021
They repay me evil for good; my soul is bereft.Psalm 35:12 ESV
bereft \bih-REFT\ adjective. 1 : deprived or robbed of the possession or use of something — usually used with of. 2 : lacking something needed, wanted, or expected — used with of. 3 : suffering the death of a loved one : bereaved.
I feel broken… My mind feels broken. My heart feels broken. My will feels broken. My soul feels broken. Everything in me has this taint of oppressive darkness lingering and taunting me. I feel like something has broken in my head that I cannot seem to find a correction.
In a way I do feel bereft. I feel deprived of the life work that God had provided for me and had brought me to. A work that I was good at and respected for and was leading in. I feel as though I am lacking – without a purpose and without a community. And I am suffering the death of my vision and plan for life. For just when I had begun to see the path ahead and my excitement was kindled, it was all taken away in a moment. So there is definitely some bereavement in my soul.
But I also feel something more. Like something isn’t quite right in my mind. It’s a feeling of trying to grasp an object that is just out of reach. Close enough that you keep straining to reach further, yet always falling just a bit short. It’s like my mind can make these great connections and thoughts. I can have some amazing ideas, visions, and even plans. It’s just that I am unable to execute. I seem to come up just a bit short every time. So I feel stuck, maybe even trapped by my own inadequacies and failures.
I have been thinking quite a bit on a story that compares the phases of the moon to the different feelings of spiritual intimacy. Full moon being the high point of spiritual intimacy and the new moon being the low. The great part of the story is that no matter how bright our how muted that intimacy may feel, God is always there and he is always the same. His steadfast love is always present.
I know this and I feel this. I am not really worried about the spiritual health of my life. That seems to be going well in a lot of ways. It could always be better and I am striving to be more consistently intimate. I think what worries me is that my mind is not the same any more. I am not able to mentally process as I could in 2019. I am not quite as sharp as I am accustomed to in my thinking and proceeding. It’s like a switch has been turned off in my mind.
It’s hard to explain, but suffice it to say that I am afraid. I am scared that this current state of life is the new normal. I’m afraid that my life is on its downward journey. That my failure will be the centerpiece of my life. I want to be content with where God has called me. I want to be content with his choosing to remove me. I want to be content knowing that God has a great plan for removing sin from my heart and drawing me closer to himself. That all I need is Jesus.
But I obviously want more. I want and want and want. But I still want the wrong things. I still can’t seem to understand that the point of all of this is to love Christ with everything. To love him alone. And though him and in him, to live life. I worry about so much, but only one person is worthy of my attention. Jesus is all there is in this world. I want to be content with Christ’s purpose for me. I want to lean into Jesus and embrace him.
What does he require of me?
• Do justice, Love mercy, Humbleness.
• Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control