Journal Entry // January 30, 2022
But Jesus, aware of this, said, “O you of little faith, why are you discussing among yourselves the fact that you have no bread?Matthew 16:8 ESV
“O you of little faith” has once again come from my reading and into my heart. Especially penetrating this week because I have been feeling the smallness of my own faith. Like the disciples, I too can so easily forget all the many wonders and blessings of the Lord in my life. I can forget the amazing miracle of feeding 5,000+ with a few loaves and then worry that I don’t have enough bread for today. I forget that my Father loves and cares for me. I forget all his provision and steadfastness in my life. I worry and fret over the most mundane and simple things.
This week I have had this same “little faith” like the disciples. Jesus has been speaking to me all week about important spiritual and faith lessons of life and I have been solely focused on bread. I have been extremely inward focused all week. I wouldn’t call it self-centered, but I would say that I have been worrying about not having the life that I most want.
I feel confused. I feel bitter. I feel angry at times. Mostly, I just feel lost. It’s like I’m wandering in an underground cave and tunnel system without any light. I feel as though I am groping in the dark to find my way. I know Christ is here with me and I know he is near. He just feels so distant. I know that is a deception, but my heart latches onto it.
I find it difficult to remember all of the good blessings that the Lord has done for me. Each and every day he brings fresh blessing into my life. Yet my heart doesn’t want those. It is solely focused on one change. My heart thinks this one change will solve all my problems and life will be smooth. This again is a deception and a lie of the enemy. It’s not an object or a reward that will bring me joy and contentment. Only Jesus.
This is why Paul says that he has learned to be content in all things. The situation and circumstance does not change my contentment. Why? Because my contentment is in Jesus and he never changes. So even in this dark tunnel of feeling lost and confused I can have contentment. I know without a doubt this is the exact place Christ wants me. And I want to want this as well. But more than that, I want to be faithful. Faithful and steadfast. Faithful, steadfast, and in love with Jesus.