Journal Entry // June 7, 2021
All the toil of man is for his mouth, yet his appetite is not satisfied.Ecclesiastes 6:7 ESV
Satisfaction… How is it that my toiling and striving and labor results in dissatisfaction? This statement and discussion by the Preacher is entirely spot on with how I have felt about my life over the last many years. I have had this insatiable lust and desire prevalent in my every moment that will not allow me to enjoy the good things of this life. There has been a continual unhappiness with my present state at every point of life.
My moments in this world have continually been marked by an inability to be satisfied. The question to ask is always a simple one, “Why am I never satisfied?” And the answer is always just as simple, “Because I am placing my hope in the things of this world and not in Christ alone.”
I am never satisfied because in actuality I am looking in the wrong place to find satisfaction. As Jesus said to the woman at the well, I am seeking to fill my spiritual thirst with physical water. It’s like trying to clean a dirty floor by spreading dirt all around. My heart knows that my spiritual condition is what needs attention. My heart knows that my soul is thirsting after the living water of Jesus. Yet I find myself striving after worldly answers. I find myself trying to quench my thirst with salt water. I keep telling myself that these things only ever fall me, but I keep turning back to them expecting satisfaction when they are unable to provide.
Then when I do turn to Christ, I do so half-heartedly or doubleminded. Meaning that I always keep one foot in the world. I never really commit to trusting Christ completely. There is seemingly always a corner of my heart that is holding onto my will. This selfish pride and arrogance that wants to be the author of my life. It’s a spot of darkness in a field of bright light. This darkness is revealed all the more in contrast to the brightness of the light shining around. So instead of dealing with this shadow and allowing the light to penetrate its hard shell, I would rather dim the light shining on all my heart. The less bright and pervasive the light shining in my heart; the less stark is the contrast of the shadow; the easier it is to ignore or downplay the shadow. And with ignorance and passivity the shadow thrives.
Satisfaction only comes in relationship with Christ. Only Christ can dispel the shadow lurking within my heart. His light is pure. His light penetrates. His light illuminates. It is only by the bright light of Christ shining within my heart that I can truly see the pervasiveness of the shadow and see the darkness growing and consuming me from within. My hope is in Jesus. He is my satisfaction. I don’t need anything this world offers me. I don’t want to be striving after the wind. I want to look upon the good blessings of the Lord as he provides for me moment by moment and be satisfied. The world may laugh or scoff or shake its head. The world may continually seek to get me in line with everyone else, but I know that my hope and satisfaction are not found here. I am meant for something more. I am being prepared for something greater. God makes all things beautiful in his timing and when the time is right, he will call me home. He will clothe me in his radiance and glory. He will embrace me and I will be satisfied.