Journal Entry // February 12, 2021
The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way;  though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand.Psalm 37:23-24 ESV
It is a difficult thing to contemplate and examine my heart every morning. To be honest, the times that I skip journaling are typically because I am too afraid to think deeply about the state of my heart through the prism of God’s word. I never really know how the Lord is going to direct this time alone with him and the continued revealing of the darkness of sin in my heart is trying. It seems as though this past year has been one long and arduous trial that has led me to not only examine my heart, but to open and expose my innermost hidden crevices that I never wanted to see the light of day. And at my most vulnerable and exposed, God worked and continues to work to eradicate sin from my life.
One of the outworking’s of my reflections throughout the day yesterday was that my joy is in God’s loving hand moving in my life. That he rescued me from a future of ever increasing sin and brought me to a place of humility. He saved me. In saving me, I had to fall and experience the pain and turmoil of consequences. I had to have a taste of judgment. I needed to feel the guilt, shame, and pain deep in my heart. I needed to reckon with my own heart and see the darkness for what it truly was/is.
Through all of this, the Lord has been teaching me that the simplicity of faith and life, the basics of walking with Christ is simply.. delight in the Lord. That’s the one thing that needs to take precedence in my heart. As I delight in the Lord, I will engage with him on every level (heart, soul, mind, strength) and my joy will be made complete. And everything else fade into the background as I focus intently on the beauty and majesty of Christ. The more I delight in him, the more he can and will reveal about the darkness in my heart. Not to put me down, but to lift me up. To bring me to repentance. To cleanse me. To renew me. To draw me close to his own heart and to dwell within mine.
I have fallen… But I am not forsaken. The fall was necessary for my continued intimacy with Christ. I was obstinate, arrogant, and full of pride. I chose to turn a blind eye toward all the warning signs the Lord brought. As I reflected on this yesterday, I realized that there were so many throughout the years. But the Lord was patient with me. His love worked in my heart and brought me low. And in this lowness, I have found grace and mercy abounding. I have found Jesus waiting for me… Embracing me… Wiping away my tears… Consoling my heart.
He will bring me low, but I will not be cast headlong. For in the midst of the lowest point of my life, I found my Redeemer. My shepherd was gathering me back into the fold, binding my wounds, and cleansing me. I learned to stop hiding my heart from Christ. I want to open my heart to the Lord and bring before him the darkness that lingers in my heart. I want him to bring reformation to all of my life. I want to delight in the Lord… Forever.